The Holidays are Coming

I have been seeing Lacey (my counselor) once a week for about 5 weeks now, which doesn't seem like long at all, but in that short amount of time I have accomplished so much with her. I have worked through so many of my anxieties stemming from my last relationship. I have learned how to recognize when I am placing blame on someone for something that happened to me in the past, as well as how to find a calm and work myself through it without making an issue of every little thing. I have learned my own coping skills and developed them in a way that they are most effective for me. We have talked through the garbage of the past and Lacey has helped me put concrete boundaries in place for what my future relationships will look like, both romantically and with friends & family.

When I started my sessions with Lacey, I was looking to specifically answer one question: Why did it take me 2+ years to come to my senses and leave...why did I not pack my bag and get out immediately following the 1st physical episode, and why did I not see the warning signs? This was what I wanted an answer to. However, after my first session, I learned that by asking those "why" questions, all I am actually doing is taking some of the blame from him and placing it on myself. Lacey and I worked through this and I have come out of it knowing that I was not at fault at ALL, in any way, for the way I was treated for those years. As are all victims of domestic violence, I was simply the victim and share no part of the blame for why someone was the way they were, nor is any of the blame placed onto me for not seeing it soon enough. The important thing is, of course, that I did see it and did eventually find what I needed to tell this person I was leaving - and to follow through and never look back. It took 2 sessions with Lacey to be convinced, and to truly believe, that I don't need to answer that question. It doesn't matter. It is irrelevant why I stayed, why I didn't move out, why I didn't see things as they really were; it isn't important to figure out why I pretended to be happy when I was really miserable. It only matters that it is over and no longer haunting me.

After working through the garbage for my first couple of sessions, telling Lacey details of what went on in our house, when things were the worst, how I felt being in this relationship, it was very cathartic to decide to move away from that. It was great to spew it all to her and then listen to her tell me over and over how it was not my fault and to validate my feelings. It was then very rewarding to have her move forward with skills based on coping with the red flags I see or the conflicts that may arise with a future relationship. I have been able to talk to her about Mark, and the few times where I have felt anxious over something that really had nothing to do with him at all. She has validated every oddity I have told her about, but has also helped me work through them so I don't continue to expect the worst or, as my mom put it, continue to wait for the other shoe to drop. And the skills I am learning from Lacey are an invaluable help so far.

This week, Lacey asked me if there was anything I was still feeling hung up on in regards to moving forward from my past relationship. I told her that I was feeling a higher level of anxiety in regards to the upcoming holidays than I thought I should be. I know that with a brand new relationship, there is apt to be a bit more stress as far as, do you attend holiday events with each other's families, do you try and meet their parents and introduce them to yours at a smaller thing before Thanksgiving dinner, do you exchange gifts for Christmas, etc. Those are normal stressers and I am experiencing all of those - those items, though, are the ones that are expected, ones you have conversations about and decide on, and ones that don't keep you up at night. I have a whole other multitude of anxieties going into this holiday season, and after a conversation with Lacey, my homework is to blog about my past 3 holiday seasons - 2009, where Kalib and I were a new relationship; 2010, where Kalib and I were a couple; 2011, where I had moved out and broken up with him the weekend before Thanksgiving - and to anticipate the 2012 holiday season, what I expect and what I want it to look like. I imagine we will then work next week on setting me up to get what I want with as little stress as possible and with the best coping skills I can set for myself. But for now, I am simply supposed to write...


The holidays in 2009 had their own damper on them already, shortly following our losing Grandma and Grandpa Stacey. It was an off year for the Stacey's Thanksgiving, so Phill and Sarah did a smaller dinner that I chose not to go to. To be honest I don't even really remember Thanksgiving, 2009. I don't remember details with Kalib's family, I know we had dinner at his cousin Eric & Tammy's house, and I know it was small and intimate, with only like 10 people, and I remember not being very comfortable. What I do remember about the holidays in 2009 was that Kalib and I had made plans to have Christmas Eve dinner at my mom & dad's house, and then we were going to stay the night at his dad's house, where Santa would deliver Rylie's presents. Sabrena gets Rylie back at noon on Christmas Day, so Kalib and I had planned to just stay home and exchange our gifts. I don't recall where the Stacey family Christmas fit into this either, I don't remember if it was a year we were already doing the Sunday before Christmas or what, but it was the year we did it in the loft, and I know I was there and Kalib wasn't...but I don't think it was a fight, or at least I don't remember it being one. And I think we were planning on going to the Whitmore's on Christmas afternoon...to which I believe I went without Kalib. I don't remember anything super important about the holidays in 2009 except for that at the very last minute on Christmas Eve, Kalib didn't want to go to dinner at my parents'. I don't remember why, but I remember it was like 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave, he decided we weren't going. We were arguing about it the whole time I was getting ready, because my parents were expecting all of us and he had no reason to not want to go, and it was literally like, he decided as we were looking for shoes and jackets and keys. And I remember he said if I left the house without him, I better not even come back. I know I left anyway and went to dinner, and I know I came back to the apartment, and we still went to his dad's. And I know it sucked and we fought in the car on the way there, and then his dad was like trying to give us counseling, but his dad is bat shit crazy and I was SO annoyed with his dad's advice about "accepting eachother's differences." Um, no, your son is a dick and he needs to think outside his selfish little box. We slept like shit on couches in his dad's mobile home, I met his little brother Jordin (ugh), and we did presents in the morning before we went home. That Christmas, I remember, was nice in the fact that after Rylie went to Sabrena's at like 11am, there was nothing to do the rest of the day, and I am used to a huge, loud, hectic Christmas...but I remember feeling like, this isn't Christmas, I'm just sitting here. Lame.

2010 was an "on" year for Stacey Thanksgiving, and Kalib & Rylie did attend. Kalib was, as always, an ass hole about my family and how he was like, soooo much better than them (at what, I don't really know), but Rylie had fun playing Bingo with my mom and dad. I remember wanting to go sit with Stacey & Tyler at their table but sitting with my parents because Kalib hated Stacey. I remember sitting there thinking, this is like when Stace and I were in junior high and not speaking, this sucks. Kalib was annoyed by the buffet dinner, he said it was ghetto, and he was obviously put off by the huge number of people there. It wasn't the fun Thanksgiving I was used to, it was so much more stressful and I was so concerned with people saying the wrong thing to Kalib or how he got so mad when other people would tell Rylie what to do or give her a cookie. He was always very "this is my kid, blah blah blah" about everything, but then ignored her all the time and only acted like that in front of people. After Thanksgiving with my family, I think maybe I did the Whitmore's alone, or maybe I didn't go either, I can't remember. Or maybe he went, I know there was one Whitmore holiday he did go to, and I believe it was actually this one. Because on the way there, he was like, let's just go home. We were driving from the Stacey's over to Barbara's and he was like, I don't want to go. But after losing both my Stacey grandparents the year before, I was feeling very much like spending these holidays with Grandma Whitmore, and I remember saying he could drop me off and go home, that my mom would bring me home. But I think he did come in and chat sports with Tanner a little bit. Then I know we fought the whole way home about my family being loud and how I ignored him and the same shit we always argued about on car rides home. His family did their weird quiet Thanksgiving the weekend before or after, and the only thing I really remember is how I was SO nice to all of them, and what a bitch his mom and his aunt always were to me. No matter what I did or said, it was wrong and they would be all awkward and bitchy. His cousin's wife, Tammy, was the only person that I could relate to at their family stuff, and I think it was just because she's not as bat shit wacko as the rest of them were, much like me, lol.

Christmas in 2010, I took Rylie to the Stacey's and Kalib was "sick," so I told him to stay home. It was the first time related to holidays that I really wanted him to not come. I wanted him to stay home so I could have a good time and stay as long as I wanted. He wasn't too sick to go, but I remember sitting there thinking, he's gonna want to leave in an hour and then be mad at me for not caring that he's sick, so I told him to stay home and watch sports and that Rylie and I would go and be back later. Rylie and I had a great day with my family and stayed a long time, which of course he was mad about later...something about me making memories with his kid. Well, ass hole, make some effort to make a few of your own then. My parents and Tony came out to our place, where fucking Jordin was living as well, and I think that was on Christmas Eve. It sucked. Kalib and I got in a fight before they got there, and he was mad about how long they stayed to play cards with Rylie (PS, writing this blog is pissing me off, what a fucking ass hole). We did pizza and had anyone been there other than Kalib, it would have been a great early afternoon celebration. This year I also had put my foot down about not staying the night at his crazy ass dad's house on Christmas Eve night, it was important to me that Santa deliver gifts to Rylie at her own new house, and why I understood that and not him since I was not her parent, who knows. But I put my foot down and was adamate, and so we went to his dad's super early in the morning. Which again, sucked. And why did we go over there when there were 4 of us and 1 of him? Why didn't he drive to our house, which was bigger and not in a mobile home park in ghetto Gresham? Ugh, gross. Kalib's dad got the shittiest gifts for us, even Rylie, and I remember forcing these big thank yous over an electronic grocery list...umm, I'm sorry, I am not suzie housewife and I don't plan to ever use this. I threw it away like 5 minutes after I got home. The whole thing sucked. Kalib got me a hoodie and I remember thinking he was a dick for being so impersonal and giving me such a dumb present. All in all, 2010's holiday season was not any more pleasant than the year before. Which is sad because I love the holidays.

Last year, in 2011, I broke up with Kalib and moved out the weekend before Thanksgiving, so the holidays were very stressful in that I was living out of boxes at my parents' house and trying to figure out how to get moved into my own place with my cat as soon as I could. There was no Stacey Thanksgiving, but at the Whitmore's, someone asked where Kalib was...probably Laura or Tanner...and I was SO relieved to say we'd broken up. Everyone at the table was like, uhhh omg are you ok, and that kinda thing, and I just remember such a level of relief on my part. Like I was rid of a thorn in my side. I loved sitting at the table with Carolyn and playing with her little one, and I remember being so much more relaxed and thinking to myself how nice it was to be back with my family and not having all the awkwardness and fighting on the way over or the way home.

Christmas last year was back to the normal, awesome chaos, where everyone has too much to do and everything is loud and crazy. The Stacey's did the celebrating up at Aunt Kate's in Longview and it was great. I got together with Laura and Julie to do a cookie baking night. I got to watch all of my Christmas movies with nobody being mean to me. I had my cat to snuggle. The Whitmore Christmas was as loud and annoying as ever, but no one was judging it (except all of us, lol). Karen was in town with the kids, Keri was in town with her family...it was loud and fun. I felt so..."back to normal" with my life, and spending the holidays with my family reitterated that I'd made the complete right decision in leaving my awful situation.

My homework was to reflect on the holidays for the last 3 years to see how far I have come and how much different (in a good way) life is without Kalib in it. By revisiting 2 years of fighting in car rides, anxiety and stress, judgement, and feeling bad during my favorite time of year, I should be able to see how much better I am in my life now. I should also be able to anticipate what is to come this year and remember that while there will be those normal butterflies over, do I or don't I invite the new guy to dinner, that I don't need to be so worried or anxious. That this guy is a nice guy who wants to make me happy, who enjoys my family as he gets to know them, who thinks of me and what I want, and who is not out to make me feel badly about my life or my family. I don't know yet just what I want my Thanksgiving or Chrismas to look like for 2012, but I know that I want it to be a celebration and a fun time, where I can relax and enjoy my family, and after sorting through my feelings and memories in this post, I can move forward knowing that whatever else I decide to do, I am going to enjoy myself. It is all about being happy, afterall.