I haven't been as up on my blogging lately, mostly because I am keeping a journal now on a suggestion from my new counselor (who I love, by the way), but I am working a quiet overtime day so what better to do than catch up here? :)
I think most of you who are reading this are aware that I joined Match.com with one of my girlfriends from work and in about 2 weeks met someone awesome. I had emailed/chatted with a few guys and went out on 1 other date that was just mediocre, and I hadn't had any expectation of actually meeting anybody, but from the moment I saw Mark's profile, I thought he was hilarious and super fun, so I emailed him (first move, look at me, lol) and we hit it off so great from right away. He is everything I would hope to find in someone - funny, energetic, smart, kind, clean...he's great. He has already met a few of my family and friends, and the big test - meeting Tyler - is on this weekend's agenda. I told him how important it was that Tyler not get douchebag radar from him, and I'm sure he'll embarrass me somehow. But without too much gushing on a public forum, I am simply amazed by how well I am being treated by someone so vocal about how much he likes me. Its great!
Work is going ok...supper busy and stressful, and now that I am not working any overtime like I did all summer, I am back to being poor. I hate that, lol. There is a property manager position open at a downtown property that I am hoping to apply for on Monday, but I have to get my boss to OK me to apply, and my property isn't doing well right now so I am concerned that she may say no. We'll see. I've been at this property for a year now, and I've been an assistant for 18 months; I am just feeling ready to move forward.
Counseling is going really well; I am very happy with my sessions so far. I have been twice and have already made such progress in working out my feelings about the relationship I had with Kalib. LaDonna asked me why after a year of being single I felt like now was the time to go to therapy, and I told her basically that after a year I still have questions as to what the fuck I was thinking sticking around while someone shoved me around, pulled my hair, threw things at me, and isolated me from the rest of my life. Why did I get sucked in, why did I fall for it, and the biggest question, why didn't I leave immedaitely? I also wanted to make sure that as I start in a new relationship, I am doing so in the healthiest way possible, not placing any prior baggage onto someone new, letting this new person make his own mistakes and have our own arguments without fear of the past repeating itself. Lacey (my counselor) has done well in explaining to me that looking for the answer to those "why" questions can be not only time wasted but also a way to place some blame back on myself, so we spent this week talking about how I was in no way responsible for the way I was treated, and that I was the victim, not the cause. We also talked about boundaries in regards to feelings, and my homework for the week is to journal about what boundaries I need to have in place for myself and my partner in order to feel valued and vulnerable. For example, when I feel angry, I need my partner to _____. I have basically written a paragraph or so for anger, sadness, happiness, etc, and am working through those boundaries to discuss with her next time. Some of them have been really easy, while others - happiness specifically, have been really hard to place my finger on as far as what exactly I need from someone else when I am elated over something. But it is a productive journal entry and I am enjoying working on it (nerd alert).
It is hard for us women who were raised by mothers and fathers to know that we should never ever stand for any type of abuse to rationalize why we ended up in abusive relationships. It's not like we can go, "Oh, my parents had an abusive relationship so that's why I ended up in one." I know when my relationship with Mark became abusive, it didn't happen all at once, it was a slow creep. At times I think it was very calculate on his part. By the time I realized how controlled and isolated I was, I was really embarrassed to reach out for help because "I knew better." For me, I know part of the reason I didn't get help sooner was because I was so embarrassed. From what I've read embarrassment is a big factor in why educated, independent women don't seek help when they find themselves in abusive situations. But it's important to realize that abusers, whether consciously or unconsciously, are very skilled at creating and manipulating victims.
ReplyDeleteIt was not your fault. It was always his. You stayed for as long as you did because he fucked with your head. That's what abusers do. Never blame yourself.
Thank you, Brenda. I have no doubt that this was all his fault, but after all this time wondering, well why _____, it was very nice to hear that I shouldn't be focused on that question because it allows for inward blame. So instead of wondering why I did things (or didn't do things), I am able to shift the question to, what will I look out for, what boundaries will I set, what needs that I have are things I won't compromise. It is a much more positive way to move forward, and already I am finding answers to things, which I am really happy about.
DeleteI love therapy. More people should go. LOL.
Sorry if this is a repeat, I tried to reply, it told me to sign in, so i did and then my reply disappeared. Therapy is great! Everyone has issues they need to work through and I think everyone needs therapy. I'm super glad you're getting clarity on your questions and finding out how to work through things with your new amazing man as things may come up :) HUGS
ReplyDeleteI love you too. And so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI love you too! Family therapy in the park with you was still the best, but this is going well too. ;)
DeleteLove you! I'm glad you are being proactive about this so you can move forward in a healthy way. I'm suuuuuper happy to see you happy hehe. Especially when you're gushing about a cute guy who makes your heart smile. (And not making excuses for a jerk off).
ReplyDelete