Learn From the Past, Never Look Back...

I think a huge part of the healing process - in any kind of grief, really - is being able to talk about it. Bottling things up is unproductive and causes unnecessary stress, and really, I just don't think you can efffectively move on from something if months, even years later, you are unable to talk openly about the experience and what you learned from it.

A very obvious clue to me that I am finally moving on from the experiences in my last relationship is that I have been able to be more honest and open with Stacey, Juliana, and other people I know love me and are there for me about the things that took place in this relationship. I have felt a shift from simply saying, "I moved out because he was a jerk," to being able to open up and talk to my friends about what was going on in our house. And I am happy to be having these honest conversations, without excuses or blame, with the people who have been there for me with open arms. I have experienced more willingness and ability to tell the truth, less need to cover anything or make any excuses, and a sense of belief that I have moved on as a better person, instead of a feeling of embarrassment that I dealt with it. It has been very empowering, and I know that while I may have had a trying couple of years, I can move forward in my next relationships knowing that I won't compromise my core values, my need to be respected, or my desire to be loved and wanted. My next relationship will be better, and I can take that as a positive.
When I very first broke up with Kalib and moved out, LaDonna was in town, and knowing she had experienced an abusive relationship herself, it was incredibly helpful to have those empathetic conversations where she could tell me it was not my fault, that I was not a big fat idiot, and that the first thing an abuser does is isolate you and gain complete control - because that way, you don't leave; you instead think that you need to find a way to fix it. I was able to talk to her honestly and explain why I felt the way I did, and she understood. She didn't ask me why I hadn't left sooner, because she knew exactly why. She didn't judge me, she just told me she loved me and that I would heal and be happy. I think that was the first real shift I had in my relationship with LaDonna, when I was able to stop seeing her as my baby cousin and start seeing her as the smart, grown up woman that she has become.

Most of my family and friends saw from the beginning that Kalib was more antisocial, especially with my family - than most guys. We fought from the very beginning of our relationship about how little effort he made with my parents, as well as my extended family, versus how hard I was trying to make strides with his psychotic father and evil mother...hell, I even let his teenage brother move in to our house! I tried, and I tried HARD, to no avail. His mom hated me, was flat out rude and disrespectful to me, and his dad was off the charts nutso. And Kalib had a reason to explain away all of this behaviors of his family - usually it somehow twisted back around to being my fault, of course. And yet, it was not his fault that he wasn't getting to know anyone in my family - it was theirs - when he refused to show up at Thanksgiving, Christmas, weddings, etc. Looking back at it, I see the completely backwards logic and his manipulative bull shit, but at the time, in the middle of it, I just didn't. At the time I was confused as to why I felt he wasn't trying when he swore that he was, how he could have been saying that my family was rude to him when I felt he hadn't even come around enough for them to have a chance to be rude.
There were several times during my relationship where I almost left, when I was fed up and frustrated and angry, but I simultaneously felt trapped. I was attached to his daughter, which made it even harder (thus the decision to never date a man with kids ever again) to give up. I was willing to try harder because I was the only one showing her any sort of love or spending time with her. Her mom was mean and paid her no attention, and her dad was one of those people who believes that by financially supporting someone, he was showing them love. He was a workaholic and did not spend time with his own kid; I did. So that made things even tougher.

At some point, though, I had had enough. I was sick of coming home and sitting at home, sick of doing nothing, tired of no date nights, no quality time, and tired of going to bed alone night after night because he was up working all night long We had been in out 10 thousandth fight, this time over the new kitten (yes, we did really get in a screaming match over his feeling that I cared about the cat more than him...which I did) and he said he was getting rid of her if I didn't "get my shit together." Since by then I hated my life with him, had already decided that I would never be happy with him, and had realized I did, in fact, love the kitten better, his threat was all it took. I packed and moved out the next day. And by packed, I mean I had already made a decision about 3 weeks prior and had been secretly packing my stuff in the back of my closet after, during yet another fight, he grabbed me by the hair to keep me from leaving the room. So in reality, I threw the kitchen into boxes and spent the day moving boxes that I'd already been packing. By the end of the day, I was gone.

Best. Decision. Ever.

I did not grieve my relationship with Kalib as I expected to. I was immediately relieved, like a gigantic stupid weight had been lifted from my shoulder. I was free and happy, and although I needed a lot of support from my family and friends to get back on my feet, I have never been happier to have started over. There has not been one second guess, I have not missed him once, and I have been so happily focused on myself and doing what makes me happy.

I learned a valuable lesson in my relationship with Kalib; I should listen to myself. Red flags are red flags for a reason, gut reactions happen for a reason. Life is too short to be unhappy, and if someone can't accept me for exactly who I am, it needs to end immediately. I am never going to change drastically to comply with what a guy thinks I should be. I am who I am, and I'm pretty happy with that...